It’s been almost two months since I’ve written anything. I recently turned 30, and honestly, it isn’t anything that I expected it to be. Kinda feels like I’ve been in the upside down for months; nothing really makes sense, and reality is causing a lot of self-reflection and adjustments to be made.
Something I realize that I no longer accept, is lazy narratives. What do I mean by that? I mean that for some reason, we as humans believe it’s better just to fill space with empty and meaningless accounts that we keep in our back pocket, whenever we can’t admit that we don’t know something. Like, we accept these scripts about life and love, that don’t mean anything. We just can’t admit out loud, that we don’t know what we’re doing, or what’s going to happen next, and that’s a little scary.
I’ll give you an example. No one wants to admit, that as we get older, we start to wondering when big ‘milestones’ are going to happen. When we are going to get married. Will we have kids.?Will we own a house? Will we get that big promotion.?Should we go back to school? Are we doing enough, should we be doing more, hustling harder?
Narrative: [insert inspirational background music] “Don’t compare yourself to others. This is your journey, it’s unique to you”…..blah blah.
Can’t we just cut the shit? We all do it, we’ve all done it. Compared our progress to our friends, our classmates, our parents. We are socialized to believe that we are constantly in need of striving for more. Complacency isn’t encouraged, it’s frowned upon. When was the last time you were comfortable just ‘being?’ I’ll tell you something else. As a child of immigrants, I can say that complacency is never encouraged, and you are to constantly to be working at something. At 30, I’m realizing just how exhausting this mindset is, and that I actually don’t agree with it.
Instead of giving ‘the speech,‘ try saying something that’s authentic and true for you. Like, “yo, we’re getting older, shit is changing, people are having babies on purpose and getting married. And sometimes I wonder if that’s in the cards for me or not.” That’s it. Or, “life is confusing and crazy right now. All we can do is ride with it.” THAT’s true.
Sometimes uncertainty isn’t exciting. Sometimes being confused is scary. THAT’s true. Stop being so dismissive as a lazy way of avoiding feelings that you most likely have felt yourself.
I follow Amanda Seales faithfully on social media, and she was spittin some true shit earlier on IG. She was talking about unlearning some of the narrative we use about men, as a side effect of dealing with fuckboys for so long. Regardless of whether you are single or not, you start to view the opposite sex in a certain light based on experience. All of our experiences color our views, but sometimes dwelling on negative experiences can shape our entire viewpoint. Like believing that there’s no good guys left. That’s not a thing. Or if a dealbreaker reveals itself early in the relationship, you don’t act surprised. You expected it, because you’ve already made this generalization in your mind that this is how ‘they’ are. So since you knew it was coming, you convince yourself that it’s fixable, and you know how to deal with it. When in reality, that ‘dealbreaker’ or ‘red flag’ showed up because you were supposed to run, and you didn’t. Now the relationship is over, and you’re throwing the whole gender away.
We’re really talking about all bullshit narratives. The stories we subscribe to as it pertains to our views on men, the stories we subscribe to when it comes to being supportive and growing up, and all of it needs to be unlearned.
I started this blog because I wanted an honest space to exist. To talk about relationships, dating, sex, in a raw and authentic way. I wanted to have real, uncomfortable conversations. This hasn’t changed. In fact, it’s magnified the older I get. I’m at the point where I’m not willing to tolerate lazy dialogue, or subscribe to overused love narratives. ‘Niggas ain’t shit’ is overused, it’s boring. I find the women who use this to be very, very boring. I need you to stop sticking with this storyline and really examine where this comes from. We’ve all had negative experiences with men. HOWEVER, some of that comes from the vibes and energy you are giving off yourself. If you assume that all men are liars, cheats, and demons, guess what? That is your dating narrative. So. Let’s try surrounding ourselves with like-minded positive men who are emotionally stable, self aware, and treat women well.
Yes, they DO exist. They are your coworkers, associates, friends, etc. we need to be spending more time with these guys. Set boundaries, protect your vibe and your energy. They are the examples of what your partner should embody. How do you expect to know what’s good when you never been around ‘good?’
Amanda talks about acknowledging behaviors that are problematic. The behaviors that we observe in our guy friends that unleash unnecessary pain and suffering. We want to surround ourselves with those who are committed to being more self aware, apologetic, and open to self improvement. It just makes sense. Why would you entertain company that is not as committed to growing and glowing?
I’m saying, let’s be more authentic in 2018. Stop subscribing to whatever you’ve been told to say or do when it comes to situations you may not relate to. I have gotten asked for advice on topics that I’ve never experienced. The problems that exist are not going to occur for everybody, right? Like I don’t know what it’s like to struggle with fertility issues, or intimacy issues. I don’t know what it’s like to be cheated on, or what it’s like to contemplate divorce. I’ve never had a baby. I just know what I know. What I know is that in times of confusion and uncertainty, it’s enough to sometimes just ask what he/she needs, and affirm that, shit is hard sometimes. Life is uncertain, we have no idea what kind of hardships we may face. All we can do is hope that we will survive the bumps and that we will be surrounded by people who love us and we’ll help us get through it. That’s real, that’s authentic, stop being lazy. Stop surrounding yourself with people who aren’t interested in breaking patterns, or growing into more evolved adults. It reflects in who you date, believe it or not.