“You cannot be a champion until you have survived a breaking point”– TD Jakes
If everything you wanted was right in front of you, would you be able to receive it? Would you want everything it comes with?
Think about it. How many times have you sat around with your girlfriends, talking about all the things you want in your future hubby. Tall, dark, handsome. Successful. Bomb Sex. Obsessed with you, etc. You convinced yourself that if bae showed himself, you would be ready for the ‘happily ever after.’ Because you are so poppin and it’s only right that your bae is poppin too so ya’ll can be poppin together. You’re definitely ready.
Until bae arrives. You don’t know if he’s bae yet, but you’re just hoping that he’s not a fuckboy. You’re counting down the number of days that he’s been in contact. Wondering if you should sleep with him now or later. Asking yourself, ‘why is he so nice? why does he keep calling me? oh, he actually WANTS to go on dates? He’s passed the ______ mark, so this could be good. Well, let me not get excited, because there’s probably something wrong with him. I should still ‘keep my options open,’ still text 35 other dudes ‘just in case.’ This is your routine, your usual, and you can’t imagine that this could actually work.
Why is that? Maybe because you’re still traumatized from all of your failed relationships, it is nearly impossible to imagine it actually working. The idea of letting yourself become vulnerable again feels scary as hell. In fact, the whole notion of dating gives you nothing but anxiety and stress.
The definition of PTSD is as follows:
PTSD, or Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, is a psychiatric disorder that can occur following the experience or witnessing of a life-threatening events such as military combat, natural disasters, terrorist incidents, serious accidents, or physical or sexual assault in adult or childhood.
The definition of ‘Love PTSD’ is as follows:
LOVE PTSD– the end result of dealing with so many fuckboys and fuckgirls that you don’t believe anything good can happen in a potential relationship. Self sabotaging anything that would potentially work because you’re used to things not going well. This includes attempting to date/text as many members of the opposite sex as possible, lining up numerous fallback plans, and overanalyzing every little thing your potential bae does, in hopes to avoid any sort of emotional trauma.
We’ve all had love PTSD in some form. Maybe you were cheated on, and now you have trust issues. Maybe you got dumped by the love of your life. Maybe you went on one too many bad dates that led to nothing. Maybe you were ‘ghosted.’ We’ve met nice guys and girls and fucked it up on purpose because it seems too good to be true. It appears too easy. They’re ‘too nice.’ Too…..everything.
Whether we want to admit it or not, we all have scars from our last relationships. They vary in size, some are still healing, some have faded long ago. Others resurface like a fresh bloody wound and you don’t know what to do. It’s like walking around with a really bad paper cut. You try to stop the bleeding, but it never seems to close up.
How to we fight PTSD? We talk it out, we read books, we give ourselves time to heal. Maybe we have casual sex with exes to pass the time. Maybe we take up a new hobby, whatever. But what happens when something good ACTUALLY comes along? We’re forced to put our fears to the test. It’s one thing to SAY you’re ready for a relationship. But are you?
You’re not if you don’t believe anything he says. You’re not ready if you’re constantly anticipating a tragic end to your would be love story. You’re not ready if you second guess every text, every emoji, every silence as a sign that he is no longer interested in you. You’re just not. Until you’ve worked towards dealing with your symptoms you will never fully heal.
I’m a believer in faith. Anything that has been remarkable in my life has come when I have reached the end of my rope. I can remember specific moments in my life where all I could do was get on my knees and pray. I was tired of complaining, tired of crying, tired of talking. I felt like I had nothing left to give.
Sometimes, prayer works. When you have nothing left, that’s when something amazing happens.
That new job. That new raise. That new apartment. That new relationship.
You have to believe that it’s going to come. In the midst of sadness, despair, anger, resignation…. It’s coming.
You gotta be ready for it.