I’ve been toying with idea of writing about my sexual abstinence journey. But I wouldn’t be me, if I didn’t go hard, and be super real and raw with ya’ll. It’s the only way I know how to be, ya dig? Here we go:

Only my closest friends know that I actually went without sex for 2 years. I know. Two. whole. years.

It certainly wasn’t planned. It started off with being super fed up with mediocre sex with men that weren’t seriously emotionally invested. Then it manifested in much more of a spiritual journey for me. I discovered a lot about myself in the past few years, and became more in tune with who I am as a woman. Allowing myself to have space to embrace and explore what my sexuality/sexual practice means to me, as well as what kind of relationships I want to cultivate was very important to me.

That’s not to say I didn’t date during the past two years. I did, sex just wasn’t part of the equation. That itself makes maneuvering the dating scene very different. Anyways, here’s some stuff I learned about myself:

1. I deserve good sex.

What do I mean by ‘good’ sex? I mean, I have a voice that I can use to convey what I like and what I don’t like. I think as women, sometimes we take sex at face value, and we are not as outspoken about our needs. You like to be kissed where? Voice that shit! You prefer these positions! As you should, get yours girl! You finishing is just as important as your partner finishing, and don’t you forget it.

2. Taking care of your ladyparts is paramount.

That doesn’t mean just showering everyday. That means figuring out what would pleasure you, that’s important. There is not shame in purchasing a toy for yourself, there is no shame in reading up on sex, asking questions with friends about practices, and trying new things. Also, a well kept vagina, is a happy vagina. Try something new, like getting a wax done. Your vagina will thank you for looking out.

3. My level of discipline has vastly improved.

I’m not going to sit here and say it was easy. It was not. There was definitely temptation to go back to old flings, to crack under pressure. Plus, I’m a young, vibrant, single woman. I enjoy sex. As someone who is fairly sexual, it was a challenge to abstain. But it made me more selective, and more careful in terms of choosing partners. That’s an important skill to have, as the rate of STDs in the city continues to climb. Plus, you want to feel good about all your sexual choices. At the end of the day, you only get one vagina. Watch out for it.

5. I accomplished a lot of things for myself.

This is not to say you can’t bone and be great at the same time. You totally can! For me, sex became somewhat of a distraction. I had all this excess energy/time that I needed to use constructively. I was able to run a half marathon, as well as a full marathon. I threw two events for my blog, something I had been toying with for years, and was able to co-author an e-book during that time. I felt pretty good about it, I stronger sense of self-worth, and higher self esteem. It felt great to really focus entirely on myself. o

6. Greater self-awareness

Who you are. What you bring to the table. What makes you dateable, or not. What else defines you, besides your body. How do you feel about yourself? What can you improve? What ways can you grow?  All questions I spent time asking and answering during my time of sexual abstinence. All questions everyone should ask themselves on their love journey.

Every female that I’ve known has gone through some period of sexual abstinence, and all have shared how much they have learned about themselves during that period. Sex is bomb, and when I choose to get back in the ring, I’m sure I will approach it with much more clarity and awareness of my needs and wants. I encourage all my sisters to explore that side of you, and be open to the possibilities of self-learning that can manifest. You are in charge of your womanhood, your decisions are for your benefit first and foremost.

Peace & Love.

always_mlove