So, What Are We?

When is the right time to have the ‘so what are we’ conversation?


This is an ongoing debate between the sexes, and it seems like a topic worth discussing.

I had a conversation with some homegirls the other day, and I was surprised at the difference in answers as far as what a female is concerned with versus a male’s concerns, when it comes to establishing a relationship.

For example, the general consensus was that there are concerns about having the conversation too soon. Maybe you just met your love interest and are hoping things evolve naturally. I mean isn’t that the ideal? You guys go on a few dates, the chemistry builds,now he’s meeting your friends and you’re keeping some stuff at his place. You have designated date nights and are thinking about introducing so and so to your parents. That’s all fine and good, but at some point, even if things are going swimmingly, I think it’s very important to be certain you both want the same things.

I just finished reading an article called ‘Monogamous Assumptions’ that really got my wheels turning. There are so many questions we as women don’t ask. Whether it’s fear of being alone, feeling uncomfortable with having serious conversations, or just pure avoidance, we get ourselves into sticky situations by not being honest about what we want.

There’s also the question about intimacy. Some girls would rather wait until they are in a committed relationship before they have sex. For others, it’s a non-issue. I’m not saying there is a right or wrong answer. It’s different strokes for different folks. However, it’s important that if you  have the conversation sooner rather than later. I know too many girls who have ended up in ‘situation ships’ because they didn’t want to rock the boat. For those girls: toughen up. The only way to get what you want and know what you want is to SPEAK UP. On some real shit, you’re getting the short end of the stick when you keep quiet.

What reason does a guy have to bring the ‘what are we’ convo up if he’s already getting regular vagina and attention? That’s not to say that guys don’t. But the general consensus is that it’s after sex and it varies as to whether they decide to bring it up.

I think women need to take back some of the power when it comes to starting a romantic relationship. We spend too much time wondering if it’s okay to make a move, to start that convo, to shake things up. But we’re willing to risk our emotional and sexual health….because we’re ‘uncomfortable.’ Makes sense.

You can’t be afraid to lose someone that isn’t necessarily yours to begin with. You’ve survived many years solo, so it’s not a question of if you can do it. We all WANT someone. But part of getting what you want is making it known. My biggest pet peeve is wasting time. I can never get that back.

If you’ve never seen the movie, it’s the perfect example of what can happen when  ‘that conversation occurs.’ Here’s a brief synopsis.

                                                                                               That Awkward Moment:

Three guys. All dealing with the ‘where is this going’ differently.

Guy A: commitment phobe. Still in the post college hookup phase, shying away from having any kind of serious convo about relationships UNTIL he meets the one. It’s so funny to watch his character evolve because there is a moment when you observe him falling and then almost fuck everything up.

Guy B: the ‘by the books guy’ who did everything right. Went to college, got 92 degrees, married his college sweetheart. She cheats on him, and then it’s a question of, was she ever in love with him or did she fall out of love?

Guy C: the relationship guy. Friends with benefits, everything’s cool. He falls first and the girl is naturally relieved he felt the same way, when HE brings up ‘that conversation.’ It was a nice change of pace to see the guy vulnerable, instead of vice versa.

All scenarios are possible in real life. But, there was no scenario where the woman ever made it clear what they wanted/ how they felt. There was all kinds of miscommunication and mixed signals throughout the film. It’s no different than in real life interactions we see everyday.

Nothing is guaranteed to work out the way you want it to, but you owe it to yourself to find out if things are worth sticking around for.

That’s all I got for now. Until next time.



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