I used to think our generation had ruined the art of dating. but now I realize, our generation has ruined the art of getting to know people. Particularly, once you hit your 20s. I look around me, and I see people trying to cultivate something real, whether it is friendship, or something more, and becoming frustrated. there’s no blame game here. Both sexes are to blame, and I’ll tell you why.
It is very difficult to get to know someone of the opposite sex on an emotionally intimate level, without one party thinking, at least once, about have sex with that person. Think about it. I know for me, it is very difficult to make friends with girls my age, let alone guys. Why? For one, girls talk a lot, myself included. It is hard enough to keep up with your current team, shit is always going on, as you can see by the fact that it’s already June, time is flying. Who has time to really get to know ANOTHER girl in depth? Nobody. Now, try the same tactic with a guy. You gotta worry about multiple things. 1. Does he think I like him/ want to sleep with him? 2. Has he thought of me that way (because I’m actually trying to get to know you first, as a friend. ) 3. If I show genuine interest in him as a person, will I appear ‘thirsty?’ This makes things very stressful. Already I can’t be myself, because I’m already concerned about all this shit. I have heard similar from a multitude of other women. It’s the same with guys. Not every guy is trying to get at you, not every guy is ‘thirsty’, and if I can be real for the one time, the term ‘thirsty’ and ‘pressed’ are actually used by assholes. Get off your high horse, stop thinking your shit don’t stink, and just allow a person to get to know you forreal, damn!
We have placed SO much emphasis on sex, and so LITTLE emphasis on emotional intimacy. So quick to just hop in the bed with whoever, and they know nothing about you. And we wonder why we can’t really connect.
Why do we spend so little time getting to know each other? Why can’t we be transparent in our friendships and our romantic interactions? Fear. We are so worried about everything I mentioned, and we put all these thoughts into the universe, we can’t even talk to each other honestly. But we can share our bodies though?
What makes sex, good? I mean really. All of us claim to have had great sex, but have we ever really had it? I imagine making love to someone who still wants to lay next to you in silence the next morning. Because it was so good, and you two are so right, and for a moment everything is still and perfect. There are no worries or questions, there is just now. The possibility in the air. I imagine, making breakfast, and shuffling in and out of the bathroom, rubbing sleeping eyes and washing away last night’s drinks and thinking, ‘what’s next?’ But that there would be a ‘next time’ because this wasn’t just a one night stand. It meant something. I imagine that to be ‘great.’
More often than not, we settle for a 20 minute quickie and perhaps a good morning text later in the week. A quick, drunken roll-around, and unkept promises, to call or text later. A bone every few months when your phone is dry and it’s raining outside.
Why do we talk about sex so nonchalantly? Why do we say things like, ‘yeah I fucked her.’ ‘We fucked, we’re just fucking.’ Why do we as a society make it sound so….ugly? Sex is beautiful, it’s one of the best things in the world to experience and we talk about it like it’s trash, like the people we’re intimate with are just things, objects of little importance. Yet we wonder why sex is meaningless; because we talk about it like this. It matters little, your body matters so little, but once you get attached emotionally, now it’s important. That shit is so damn backwards guys.
Emotions can come first. There is no real reason to do it another way, other than what society and peer pressure feeds you. You can fall for someone, and be intimate with them, in that order. In fact, if you ask me, sex with feelings is freaking awesome. The passion! The intensity! That’s that good shit. I’m not saying don’t have sex. I’m just saying, if you want different results, you may want to re-evaluate how you’re viewing sex, what it means to you, and how you want to cultivate relationships on multiple levels.
Can you feel me?
Don’t you want someone to know you? Like, really know you. Where you got that scar on your knee. Your favorite childhood TV show. Your biggest fears. Your secret ambitions. When was the last time you had a meaningful kiss? A tender embrace? Don’t you want that with someone, a chance to have that forever?
All I’m babbling on about is this: emotional connection is just as important as physical connection. We rob ourselves of feeling each other on another level besides between the sheets. We deserve all of those things. We deserve to wake up next to someone who thinks we look beautiful in the morning. We just have to be willing to take that chance, and not settle.
Now, you all got me thinking and in my feelings, so I’m about to listen to this ‘Peaceful Indie Ambient’ playlist on Spotify and knock. Goodnight.