‘ You’re not together but you’re not ‘nothing.’ Because you’re not nothing, you’re something.‘-B.Carmichael
I know at least a handful of people, including myself, that have found themselves in a something relationship. What do I mean by that? I mean the ambiguous, often confusing space between being friends and being in a committed relationship. In this day and age, it becomes more and more difficult to navigate through the getting to know you stage, and reach destination relationship. This occurs for a variety of reasons. Perhaps one or both parties have past relationship baggage they have not been able to drop. Or maybe, both parties are uncomfortable articulating their feelings, getting too caught up, and risking getting hurt. Maybe it’s simple: it’s easier to get all the perks of being in a relationship without actually being committed.
At first, you may not even know that you’re embarking on a situationship. Guy and Girl meet. Guy and Girl connect and vibe. Guy and Girl spend more time together, and the more time they spend, the faster feelings grow. Suddenly, it’s been six months, a year. Attachment occurs..and guy or girl starts thinking, ‘hey, I like you a lot. Like A LOT. Like I wanna be with you all the time, possibly forever.Now what? Then comes the dreaded conversation….[drumroll please]
‘Where is this going?’
Suddenly, shit just go the fuck REAL. This dreaded conversation could go one of two ways. This something relationship that you two have cultivated could result in a committed relationship. Or….your ‘something’ could turn into a whole lot of nothing. Most people that I know, have trouble having this conversation. For one, it makes everything real. The feelings, the possibility of rejection, the possibility of an ending are magnified. You don’t know how you got here, and you don’t know what’s on the other side of that conversation.
Let me tell you why the ‘something relationship’ is bullshit. Both parties are not actually satisfied, and there is always one party that wants more than the other is willing to give. The problem is, no one really wants to say how they feel about the situationship, or necessary end things abruptly. Deep down, there were signs that something was going to actually happen’ or fall apart into nothing. You have an idea if this person is meant to be your partner, and denial is a crazy thing, man. No one ever wants to have the hard conversation, most likely because we have never had to have it.
Think about it. When you are young, you always dream about what it will be like when you meet your soulmate. It’s gonna be hella easy right? You like them, they like you. You’re together, BOOM! When in reality, we all will experience 17 shitty relationships before we finally get it right, and meet the person we’re supposed to be with. We have to learn to be braver though, and stop wasting time. The ‘where is this going’ conversation is one of the hardest conversations I have ever had to have with a potential mate. But it is also the most liberating.
We have to stop allowing ourselves to fall into this unknown space. Too much of the time, we spend months, years, hoping that a person will love us enough to really commit. What the hell are we really doing?Who are we NOT to demand exactly what we want? Who are you to not go after the kind of relationship you have always desired? You are valuable, you are worthy, you are deserving. At one point you’re learning something from your situation ship, and at another, you’re making a choice. You are making a choice to be dissatisfied and to settle. Of course it may hurt to let go of your ‘something,’ because,‘what if’ Is always on your mind. But imagine going three or four years, chillin with ‘ your boo thang’ your ‘him’ and asking yourself the same question.
I learned a lot from my situationship. I learned that I am far too old to exist in ambiguity. I learned that I know exactly what I want, and that it is okay to articulate in an explicit manner, what you want. I learned that no experience is a waste of time, if you learned something about yourself. I impart my knowledge onto you, loyal readers. Go forth and be committed! Aim for the real thing, don’t settle for something.