I have felt unsettled for the last nine months. Stepping unsteadily into 2019, shouldering every transition that occurred personally and professionally. I have yet to feel like I’m steady on my feet.
I’ve never been good with change. In fact, abrupt change tends to give me intense anxiety. But 31 has been all about change, whether I was ready for it or not.
It’s the last day of summer. I blinked, and another season has come to pass. I feel like I spent the last three months, adjusting. Adjusting to a new apartment, a new city. Adjusting to ever changing roles at work, pushing myself to new heights, meeting every challenge with quiet determination. This role is by far the most difficult, and yet, I am proud of myself for working through my own perceived limitations. It gives me confidence in what I have yet to achieve. Adjusting to new milestones in my relationships. I grew closer to my sister, and that has been both difficult and rewarding. It still perplexes me having adult conversations with someone I used to change diapers for. But, life, right? Adjusting to endings, and beginnings. It has been hard ya’ll. No one ever talks about how lonely outgrowing people and places really is. There have been a lot of tears. There has been a lot of confusion. The uncertainty of the future, the uncomfortable feelings of knowing that things are never really going to be the same. It has been a constant the entire year. Evolving is exhausting. But I will say, my mind and heart have experienced a new level of clarity. I have allowed peace in my life, this time, to stay.
I think one of the most remarkable things that has occurred, is starting to settle fully into my relationship. Allowing myself to lean on someone else has been challenging at times. I am used to deciding all the things solo, to figuring it out, and I am the worst at asking for help. It’s a relief being certain that someone wants to take care of you, too. I have never felt a love like this in my life, and at times, it brings me to tears.
I’ve learned a lot this summer. I think in general, I stopped apologizing for who I am. I am emotional, I am a talker, I do overthink, and I do struggle with anxiety. I also am strong AF, consistent, caring, honest, and at this point in life, unapologetic about my expectations for myself or for other people. Not everyone is gonna understand you, and it’s up to you to be firm in who you are. Know your intentions, operate from a space of love, and don’t entertain any situation that disrupts your peace or your boundaries. I’ve learned that you need certain things in every season. I think in this new season, I’m supposed to learn how to settle. Settle into this new life, after working so hard to get here. Make my space my own. Concentrate on continuing to cultivate love in my relationship. Leave my heart open for new experiences and new people. Return to writing for me. Work really hard, come back to myself always, and remember my ‘why.’
The fall season has a lot of potential. I plan to write, to read, to stay aligned, and continue to discover new parts of myself.
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