Shouts to my guy Raheem for this guest post. He shares with us good people on what it’s like to be single after a breakup. Enjoy!
My first partner and I’s four year relationship ended because we reached our capacity for growth as a couple for where we were in our lives. One can choose to unravel after a breakup(especially that first love) or choose to really grow as a result of the experience. I choose the latter.
I have learned a lot, but here are a couple of things that I have learned since being single:
There is a clear distinction between loneliness and solitude. Loneliness comes with this
desperate need for human interaction, regardless of the energies that come associated with those interactions. Solitude is an appreciation for the opportunity to be alone with one’s thoughts. There’s a level of serenity to it. It offers the reflection time to get to know you and REALLY get to know yourself. Some people view it as selfish if you choose solitude on different occasions. I think it’s selfish to navigate around various spaces without knowing who you truly are and what you are genuinely interested in. We try to task others with that responsibility of knowing what is best for us when it’s not always their job. I am not saying that we abandon all of our friends and support systems, but there is a level of knowledge of self that needs to be had. As hard as it is, that may mean turning down the opportunity to go out on the weekend and justchill by yourself. Being critical and honest with oneself is such a tough endeavor that some avoid it altogether. Sorting through one’s emotions, strengths, and flaws is a journey that many might not like what they find when the go on it, but self-awareness is a skill that is important to
possess for our growth. Drake stated, “Know yourself, know your worth,” and while all these people sing that line, they have not started deconstructing themselves. I am stubborn at times, I used to avoid thinking about negative emotions. I had to start with me for the real change to come. That meant becoming more mindful, reflective, and processing my emotions.
Along with getting to know myself, I have learned to understand the different roles that people play in your life. People come into your life in so many different capacities and you have to be able to handle that. We sometimes crave just to connect with people and associate it to something further, when in reality a good conversation with someone, may just be that: a good conversation that may not have to stretch beyond that context. Going deeper than that, not every person that you vibe with (whether that be of the same or opposite gender, depending on one’s preferences) is meant to be there in a romantic or sexual context. And that’s okay. I had to realize that it’s about sharing the vibes and just having good people around. Regardless of the forms that those take.
Love is powerful, and I need to critically evaluate where I am at mentally, physically,
emotionally, and spiritually before involving myself with anyone in any context. Being
transparent is vital for me, so communicating where my heart is comes with a level of
self-awareness but also a level of respect so there is no questioning of the truth. Keeping your heart open, but not rushing the process of choosing love is so important as well. I have come to this understanding that I cannot control a lot of things in this world. However, recognizing that I can control the energy that I put out into the world in the things that I do and the interactions that I have with others. You meet people as they are and not come with preconceived judgments like you have someone’s narrative figured out. The people that you attract are a reflection of where you are at overall. The vibrations that you put out may be meeting you where you are at on your respective journey. I’ll finish with this definition of love from Bell Hooks’ novel “All about love: New Visions,” that struck me very strongly because the definition was not solely focused on the romance area, but just in relation to another person: “The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” The awareness of being ready personally to not only help oneself or another person grow, but also figuring out if another person is prepared to help you grow is difficult. I have done too much growing on my own to have a relationship detract from that. We need to really determine that for ourselves so we can receive and give out the love we deserve. This love does not have a specific image in terms of a person, but it is a feeling. I will not settle for a lessened type of it, but I am not desperately seeking anything either. It will come when the timing is right. Shoutouts to my homie Rhys P for this amazing quote: “I always thought that I would die of a broken heart; never realized it would actually rebirth me.” Much Love,