New Love.

couples

‘A relationship is a marathon, not a sprint. Many celebrate after their first mile, not realizing that the real trials come later. It’s not about how strong you start. It’s about your mental and emotional conditioning to finish the race. ‘

Being in a new relationship is weird AF. The longer you are single, whether you are serial dating, taking a hiatus from dating anybody, or completely giving up on love, the beginning of something new is always lowkey crazy. Like….what do I do with bae? Do I have to talk to it everyday, make sure it’s fed, play with it? What’s this mean for my current life schedule? Do i need to remember dates?!. So. many. Things.

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Most of ya’ll won’t finish, or have what it takes to even try to finish the race. You know why, because everyone is so caught up in the beginning. Everyone gets so comfortable, so quick. Like, look at me! I’m in a relationship! Now I know ALL the things! Let me show you how to do this son!

Wrong. First of all, relationships are work. Mad work. Lots of fuckin TALKING. Compromising. Adjusting. The title is just the beginning, hate to break it to you. Also, just because you’re in something long term doesn’t meant it will last, it’s not just about being in love. Logging years and years and thinking that will be enough to sustain a relationship like marriage isn’t real. It’s not about the years, really. Plenty of couples date for years and have horrible communication, or infidelity, etc. It’s about mental and emotional conditioning. Marriage is hard AF. You gotta spend everyday with the same person for the rest of your life. You have to talk… alot. You have to do mad adulting on the regular, pay extra bills, make sure you’re satisfying your partner, work, build yourself up, and the family up……God, it’s endless! I’m getting stressed just thinking about it!

To be real, nobody can tell anybody about what it takes to be successful unless they are married and their marriage is healthy. I would only consult with my parents on issues pertaining to love. You know why? Because they’ve been married for 30 years. Ya’ll can write books on all that when you get there. Until then, we collectively are figuring out this shit together.

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While we try to get there though, we should always remain attached to the experience, and unattached to the outcome. Nothing is promised, nothing is guaranteed. None of us know what’s going to happen in the future, all we know is right now.

If you think i’m bullshittin, I’ve compiled transcripts from friends in various stages of dating on the hardest part of starting a new relationship:

“Not bringing old shit – old fears, old pain, old arguments and insecurities – into your new relationship. Learning your new partner’s love language and how that fits into the way you feel and express love.”

“Also, learning how to disagree with a new person is difficult for me. You learn how to ‘argue,’ in a healthy way, with someone you’re dating. And it takes time to develop a safe, healthy way to express discomforts or annoyances with a new person.’

‘Just having to keep someone else’s feelings in mind. That’s my biggest adjustment.’

“An adjustment is really letting go of the “fantasy” of how a relationship is. It’s at time ugly has ups and downs but at the end of the day your in it together and both want the best. Social media is the conduit of highlight reel of relationships and it can be the determining factor for yours.”

“Not  being afraid to speak up. I think (and this came as I got older) we put the other persons feelings before our own and that can lead to feelings of resentment for having to always filter or sugar coat. If you can clearly express your opinion or concerns about the other person in the relationship about an issue you have them and letting them know if coming from a good place and recognizing you know their capable of being a better version of them that always is received well. It may hurt but in a different way and you’ll get a better response then you think. Sometimes we can talk ourselves out of confrontation thinking the results will be negative but that’s not always the case.”

It don’t matter if this is your first relationship or your 7th. Learning about your partner is never the same journey. I think the problem is that everyone thinks they are an expert in different facets when it comes to love. I would love to think I’m an expert on being single, simply because I know how to take care of myself emotionally, I can appreciate my alone time, and have enough of a social life/ professional life that fulfills me. But I’m not. The same way that you or anyone else is not an expert on relationships. The biggest mistakes we as humans can make is thinking that we know everything about everything. It’s impossible. The best way to continue to be better and do better, not only for yourself, and for your partner, is to be open to learning more. I can appreciate the fact that although 2016 was shitty for mostly everyone, I did a lot of self work, and learned a lot about me. Re-evaluating yourself, what’s important, and what areas you need to improve upon, never stops being important. I don’t have all the answers. All I know is through life experience, observation, and a lot of reading.

Where am I at right now? I’m trying to figure out what exactly I need, my partner’s attachment style, and our love languages. I’m trying to take it slow. I’m also learning to not allow anyone else’s opinions on my relationship affect me and mines. Ya dig?

Stay tuned kids.

 

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