Happy May ya’ll! Lord, it has been a wild two months. I’m finally getting a chance to get back to the writing, back to growing and learning, and discussing relationships with you guys.
I think I’ve come a long way emotionally when it comes to fostering romantic relationships. It has been a quiet few months on my end, and it has been filled with self-reflection, joy, and growth. I feel like I’m in a good place to start dating. So far, diving back in has been pretty good. Stay tuned.
I’ve been thinking how funny is that both men and women view the ‘ideal’ mate based on a simple ass list of qualifications that ensure a perfect companionship. As long as they look good on paper, we convince ourselves that this is all we need to be in a good relationship.
Good job. GREAT credit. No kids. Educated (aka at least one degree). Own spot. Perfect match right?
Right. Minus the trust issues, Mommy issues, anger issues, and other emotional problems. Other than that, he’s PERFECT.
Except no one talks about how important it is to be emotionally together. Like, forreal, everyone has baggage. Whether you are damaged from a past relationship, have trust issues, or are emotionally unavailable. We all have had to deal with our demons. As we get older, we really have to be able to look at ourselves, and figure out what’s stopping us from experiencing love. It can’t always be that ‘ninjas ain’t shit’ or ‘bitches are crazy.’ What if it’s you, and your stuff? There’s nothing wrong with owning that and working through that. Like, really, how do you expect to be in a bomb relationship when you or your boo has too much baggage? Let me give you an example, because ya’ll know I got one.
I had a co-worker who started seeing this man. He appeared to be super dope (on paper). He was a college professor, he didn’t have any kids, owned his own place he was FINE, blah blah. All great. So of course, as a girl, you’re thrilled to meet someone who has even half the qualifications you have listed. So, she starts dating him, and lo’ and behold, homeboy has issues. He has mommy issues up the whazoo, trust issues, he’s hella possessive, and her friends don’t like him.
Now what? Lost all your friends, you’re fake happy with your emotionally unstable ‘good on paper’ boyfriend. Congratulations.
And we all know, girls can be unstable creatures. Guys are also guilty of dating the crazy psycho chick who cooks well, is educated, and puts it down in bed. Y’all are just as terrible.
Just because you’re single and you meet someone who fits society’s criteria of the ideal mate, does not mean the relationship will be healthy or that the relationship will be right for you. Stop paying so much attention to what society’s idea of a good mate is. You can check all the right boxes in life, but it doesn’t mean you’re good for anyone. Don’t let society fool you into thinking you’re a catch because of your tangible accomplishments. Or because you’re employed and have a credit card. You could still be emotionally fucked up, and all your ‘stuff’ could potentially ruin a relationship.
Personally, I like to know all of these things at the beginning. As I said before, everyone has stuff, but not all of it should be your issue to deal with. You have to decide if you can handle what your partner comes with. But at the beginning though! Not later, when you realize it’s too much and you can’t handle it.
I wanna know your stuff. I want to know about that time you got picked last for dodgeball in gym class. I want to know how it felt when your parents split. I want to know about how you get along with your parents, siblings, extended family. I wanna know what you’re afraid of.
I want to know ALL these things before I decided to pursue things with you. The problem with dating in 2015 is that everyone wants a microwaved relationship. You wanna ‘court’ for 5 minutes, get the title, date for 3 minutes, get married, have kids, the end. And you wanna capture all of these moments on the ‘gram.
Stop rushing every damn thing. Don’t skip over the ‘getting to know you’ part. The older we get, the more impatient we get for our ‘happily ever after.’ But why would you wanna rush that? Don’t you want to enjoy all the moments? All of the firsts? It’s important to build the foundation first, it’s literally everything. You wouldn’t try to build a house by putting together the roof first right? Right.
Emotional stability is not something to discount. The relationship will survive on that connection, when the money is gone, the children are grown, and all you have left is each other.