Over the past weekend, I had the opportunity to attend a Voices in Conversation party. In case ya’ll aren’t familiar, it’s basically a forum to talk about any pressing issues/topics with young 20-somethings, and also, to showcase new vendors trying to promote their clothing/jewelry lines. Sounds super cool, right? It was! It was a very solid venue, the idea behind getting educated people together to talk about real issues going on in the world was refreshing. Not to mention that for new designers, it was the perfect place to advertise their product and network. That’s all the good stuff. Here’s the bad part. I cannot tell a lie, I was super pissed after attending the event. I’ll tell you why.
Essentially the forum centered around relationships, and how men and women relate to each other. I found this strange, as we could have talked about anything pertaining to our lives, such as colorism in the black community, the struggles of a 20-something trying to make it in adulthood, these missing girls in Nigeria….anything. But for some reason, when young men and women get together in a forum, and are asked to talk….relationship questions come up. Since I have been blogging about this particular topic for quite some time now, I figured that I had something to contribute. I assumed other smart, educated women would do the same. Let me tell you, I was so unbelievably shocked and disappointed by all of the women- bashing at this event. It wasn’t men bashing women…on the contrary, it was WOMEN bashing other women.
You know what ya’ll? I am so tired. I am tired of other women sitting around, trying to belittle other women. Every female in the forum talked about how we as women should stop ‘allowing ourselves to be sidechicks’, we should be more patient, don’t settle, lower our expectations, blah blah. EXCUSE ME? Hol up, hol’ my phone!
I had a lot of problems with all of this.
First of all, why is that women have to change all of these things about ourselves, but men have to change nothing about themselves? As far as side chicks, we cannot operate on the assumption that every girl, knows they are a side chick. I have a girlfriend that dated a guy for a year and some change, only to find out that he was engaged. She had no idea. How many of you have been dating someone, not knowing that you are just one of several women he’s screwing/dating/playing? Sometimes, we as females are in the dark. We are made to look stupid, and blamed because we didn’t know, or we should have known. Sorry, but sometimes, we trust the wrong people. That doesn’t make us hoes.
On the other side, why are men endorsing this term ‘side chick?’ If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem. Stop giving in to society’s labels and bullshit, and treat women with some damn respect. Don’t come up in here with your ‘top 5’, ‘side pieces’, all that. This ain’t Myspace. You’re not fooling anybody. And girls who concede to being anybody’s second best, need to check themselves and re-evaluate.
This blog is not directed towards all men; if it doesn’t apply to you, relax. To the rest of ya’ll…. get.your. shit. together. If all your homegirls have degrees and are living on their own, there is no reason you can’t too. No one has time for the sob story. We’re all moving up in age, and it’s time to grow a set. Stop crying about all the women who hurt you, and using that as an excuse to be an asshole. Hurt people hurt people, let that shit go. Before you start pointing your fingers at females and how we’re not shit, evaluate yourself. What exactly are you bringing to the table? Why are you worth her time? How are you going to help her grow? There is nothing wrong with admitting that you have to improve, but acknowledging your flaws makes you a better, mature male. Both men and women can never really communicate effectively if they are so focused on denying their own shortcomings.
Women: stop telling other women all the ways they are fucking up. That is not effective. Take responsibility for things you personally can do differently today. Stop crying about all the men who hurt you in the past, or your daddy issues, or your commitment phobia. Take charge of your life right now. Identify the reasons why you are attracting certain types of men. Identify why you can’t open up, and why you can’t trust the opposite sex. Read something. I’d suggest ‘ The Mastery of Love’ by Don Miguel Ruiz. It’s changing my life.
I’m off my soapbox. Goodnight.