We are keeping it going, and have yet another dope guest post from a fellow creative, Keeno Brown. He’s sharing what happens when you don’t date honest, from a male’s perspective. Check it out!
One too many times have I found myself in the situation where I have to choose between two young women, who I cared for deeply and shared some foundation of history with- a cache full of memorable experiences, and my heart was no help in the matter. It was like my body couldn’t handle the pressure of the decision- my gut was trying to suppress the butterflies, my heart was hugging itself to keep it together, and since my brain couldn’t filter the anxiety from excitement it just finger painted a mess of serotonin across it’s left side (imagine being at a sporting event and not knowing who to root for so you try to be a half & half fan). Yet on the outside, I remained poised and each time I chose the girl who I had established more of a friendship with to talk to about the situation- both times both girls were aware of who the other was, but I just wanted to share my perspective and where my head was.
The first time was in high school…
(time-sensitive due to pending jr. prom): previous short-term girlfriend v. best girl…friend, at the time.
I spoke with my friend and asked her if she would be upset if I chose the other. She reassured me that she’d still be my friend and wouldn’t go anywhere. That reassurance led to me choosing the other girl because I knew that it meant. It meant I would be able to try a second time- now slightly older and more mature- to see if we’d work, if we were serious about us, and if not, my friend would be there as the choice I should’ve made the first time. So that’s what I did, and sure enough that’s how it ended up. Turns out my girlfriend noticed I loved my friend in a more than platonic way, and decided to give a second thought to the feelings she had for her ex.
The second time was summer between sophomore and pre-junior (it’s a Drexel thing) year of college:
Again, at the fork in the road, I spoke with the girl I had befriended and known a bit longer. She was the type of person who always puts the wants and needs of others before her own, therefore, she advised me that whatever I decided to do, “make sure you don’t hurt that girl,” and that she would still be there for me. Based on the way the last situation turned out I chose her, the friend, this time. I made a different, seemingly more sensible choice, but had the same conflict of interest. My affections for and sexual past with the other girl caused my second friend turned girlfriend to be insecure, and a too close for comfort incident after I felt blown off for her friends and biased conversation between the two girls led to the end of that relationship.
Moral of the stories: we’re often told to follow our hearts or gut- whichever has helped you make the most better decisions- and to learn from our mistakes. In my case I attempted to implement both…to a short-lived avail. What I neglected to do was be more honest with myself about what I wanted in a girlfriend, who embodied those qualities and traits, and why I wanted one more than the other. Most of all I should’ve sat down with each young woman in both situations and discussed why they wanted to be in a relationship with me and if they believed we would have a strong, lasting relationship…if they truly loved me for me, and weren’t just sexually attracted. Sometimes the sensible thing to do isn’t always what’s best for you, and sometimes it’s better to reserve your choice, walk away and focus on yourself more; that way when a new or recurring romantic opportunity presents itself you’ve made yourself a better candidate for commitment. Each romantic situation should be independent of any prior, in its own regard. Also, one of the things I realized during my reflections is that if someone is going to fall in love you, they’re going to fall in love with the version of you that you show them….be careful who you show them. If you’re only chilling, partying, jokes, smooth talking and great sex the belief becomes that that is who you truly are and anything more is harder to believe and show due to habit forming. Don’t try to force yourself to be ready for a commitment just so someone won’t be the one who got away because more than likely you end up being the one who drives them away. The real you has to want the real thing with the real her and vice versa, at the same damn time. Otherwise, it’s like shooting from outside the gym.
Big thanks to fellow creative, Keeno Brown! Follow him here: