Letting Go & Starting Over.

strong woman

“I demolish my bridges behind me…then there is no choice but to move forward”
Fridtjof Nansen

Currently writing this post wrapped in a towel, in my hotel room. I’ve just taken my first solo trip as an adult, and now is as good a time as any to pause and reflect.

First off, traveling solo is fucking awesome. There is something to be said about the sense of freedom and accountability that comes with traveling to a new destination on your own. My roomie is taking her first solo trip, and I told her, no one comes back the same as when they left.

Anyways, as my half birthday comes and goes, I’m realizing how much 28 is about growth. Uncomfortable is the best way that I can describe it thus far.The hardest part of growing is the pains that go along with it. I think we all want to change in some way, shape, or form. We all repost memes and think of inspirational quotes to post to Facebook, retweet some Rob Hill Sr line. But how many of us are actually doing the work?

I think I’ve been struggling to write because I’ve been too busy participating in my life. As I said, I’m adjusting to a new job, a new living situation, and contemplating what’s next. Who am I going to be in this next phase of my life? In what ways do I want to be better?
The one thing I, like many, struggle with, is reverting back to old ways/old flames. I feel like every girl has gone through this. You’re minding your business, and all of a sudden, you get the ‘hey’ text. You know the one. You don’t recognize the number, but you know it’s probably 1 of the 3 fuckboys you wasted time with. Now you’re racking your brain ( I know this number is familiar)…. Oh. It’s HIM. Or your Instagram is overrun suddenly with likes on posts from October 2014. It takes only a second to recognize who it is, and before you know it, you’re taking an unnecessary trip down memory lane.
Maybe you wonder how they’ve been, or how things would’ve been if it had worked out. Maybe it can still work out, let’s waste more time rationalizing the intentions behind that ‘like’ or ‘text.’ NOTHING. THERE IS NOTHING BEHIND IT. 
I read a post awhile back about why men reach out after a long hiatus. Basically, they do it for a variety of reasons. 1. To see if you’ll respond. They wanna know they can still pull you if need be. 2. Find out what you’re up to aka be nosey. They wanna know if you’re dating, where you working now, you still live on the same block, etc. 3. To see if they can get you back. My best guy friend always tells me that guys never stop liking you. There’s just always some other reason it didn’t work.
But I digress. My point is, to shut the door. There is no need to revisit anything from your past. You’ve already done it. You know what they’re about, you know what the situation is. You can’t expect to get exactly what you want by repeating the same habits. All I know is that I’ve been highly uncomfortable over the past few months, and it has definitely put me in a better position in all aspects of my life. Like I’m literally forcing myself to adult, and make decisions every single day that impact my  life. Although it has been scary and difficult at times, I can feel myself getting closer to the woman I want to be.The same energy and focus has to be given in the realm of love. Why not trust the universe to bring me something better than I’ve ever had before? 
New is scary. It’s scary because it’s unfamiliar. Don’t cling to the past because it’s comfortable. Being quiet, not saying what you mean, settling for bullshit, and being cynical about romance is not WHO you are. It’s the space you’ve decided to stay in.  In order to be the best you possibly can be, you can’t stay the same. In order to have the greatest love, you gotta ignore those who didn’t love you enough to keep you.  Be better. 

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